Angel Baby

Dear angel baby when you left, I started feeling sad, bereft,

A part of me no longer here, your life reflected in my tears,

Many didn't even know, that  you were in me, 12 weeks grown,

Like a secret I can't share, I think of you and blankly stare.

The words cut through me like a knife ... 'incompatible with life'.

Your sweet heart stopped, with silent voice, you freed me from heartbreaking 'choice'.

The world forgets, my stomach shrinks, the hours drift by ... I breathe, I blink.

I scour the net for mums like me, who've lost their heart to Trisomy.

A world of pain we share online, it helps to talk, our words a shrine.

Life will go without you there, your quick demise seems so unfair.

Out from the screen you waved at me while they said 'abnormality'.

I won't forget you little one, my precious tiny un-born son.

Why?

I look at you with heavy heart,

To talk of death how do I start?

You question now, ask why we die,

A look of worry in your eye.

I do not understand myself,

The fragile state of human health.

I talk of heaven and hope it's true,

Can't bear the thought of leaving you.

I'll always be right at your side,

Here or above I'll watch your ride.

I pray I live to see you grow,

To flourish, learn and then to go.

The cliches now come thick and fast,

But there's a reason these words last.
Life IS too short each moment fleeting,

I type these words, my sad heart beating.

Don't worry or fret about the past,

Friendships gone weren't meant to last.

Let stresses pass, the days are long,

Go for a walk or sing a song.

Treat each hour with due respect,

When sadness comes, sit and reflect.

Keep family close within your heart,

Don't waste a moment, this IS the start.

How do I tell you?

I watch your deep untroubled sleep,

I stroke your hair and mutely weep.

How do I tell you when you rise?

It’s grief and pain that fills my eyes.

As my chest burns with fear of loss,

You dream of rides and candy floss.

I hold my phone and text a friend,

I pray … but know it is the end.

Sweet memories are crushing me,

Of hazy days spent by the sea,

Strong hands that lift above the waves,

Rock pools and nets and hidden caves.

You wriggle, laugh but do not wake,

My phone rings and I start to shake.

I see his face when you were born,

My heart rips further, shredded, torn.

He was so proud of you and I,

But time was up, he had to fly.

You’re only four, how to explain,

That life will never be the same.

Your eyes flick open, you stretch and yawn,

I hold you close, it’s almost dawn.

I sit, explain, watch as you cry …

Last night my Dad, your Grandad died.

Dad

I think of you each morning,

I can't believe you're gone,

I feel so lost I can't explain,

I'm trying hard to ride the pain.

I'm being strong for everyone,

I'm trying to be there for mum,

On earth, in heaven as life unfurls,

I'll always be your little girl.

The day before Christmas ...

It’s the day before Christmas, chaos in the house,

“We’ve forgotten the Turkey” says mum to her spouse!

Teddy ignores her, goes back to his game,

Dad rushes out saying “I’m not to blame!”

Young Scarlet sits primly untangling lights,

Then Ted pulls her hair and the two start to fight.

The baby crawls through dragging tinsel behind,

Mum wishes this day had a pause or rewind.

The presents aren’t wrapped and the kids start to moan,

“I bet I get socks again” say’s Ted with a groan.

“You two are ungrateful!” says mum to the pair,

“Now help me at once … this is really not fair!”

The sun is now setting, the times running out.

Mum stands in the mess and beginning to shout says …

“Enough of this nonsense you ALL must join in …

Or Christmas is cancelled, all gifts in the bin!”

Dad then returns with a Turkey supreme,

Poor mum looks so pleased and now starting to beam says …

“It’s coming together so let’s all take stock” …

They all look alarmed, at the door there’s a knock!

Aunt Tilly’s come early …. the cousins in tow,

Matilda and Jack are now traipsing in snow.

“We thought we’d come now as the roads will be closing”

 Mum stands still in shock, her smile appears frozen.

After tea and some shortbread, the mood starts to thaw,

The cat’s going bonkers, ribbon stuck to its paw.

The baby starts shrieking, dad brings in the tree,

The family all laugh as the dog does a wee.

They all start to decorate the tree in the house,

Suddenly peaceful, as quiet as a mouse.

The children put carrots and cake on the hearth,

“It’s time for your bedtimes” says dad with a laugh.

Snow continues to fall, the sky dark and clear,

The family are sleeping, dreams absent of fear.

The quiet is broken by a faint jingling noise,

In the distance, some reindeer … a sleigh full of toys.

The driver a man oh so jolly and round,

The sleigh lands on the rooftop with barely a sound.

In a magical flash and the blink of an eye,

Old Santa appears and scoffs down the mince pie.

He pours out the gifts from a large sack with glee,

And places them all round the twinkling tree.

He sits for a second and stifles a yawn,

There are thousands more presents to deliver by dawn.

A clatter above …. impatient reindeer,

“Be quiet you fellows, the carrots are here!”

With a clap of his hands and a swish of his hair,

The room is now empty … like he’s never been there.

“Good night all you little one’s asleep in your beds …

Thoughts of new games and dolls and soft bears in your heads,

Play nicely, be thankful, be helpful and share …

As your loved ones are gifts beyond all compare.”

Time

Each stage of their life you fret and you stress,

Latching then feeding then learning to dress.

That first day at nursery and then one day school,

Learning to swim and then lengths of the pool.

Phonics and reading and homework appears,

Watching and soothing through heartache and tears.

Looking in wonder, they grow smart and tall,

Soon they won't need you to walk them at all.

Road safety, strangers ... you try not to scare,

Try to sound calm as you make them aware.

Peer pressure and drinking and staying out late,

So much of life seems subject to fate.

The worry is constant, you'll learn to adjust,

You'll watch them with pride, your heart fit to bust.

Uni, then partner, then kids of their own.

You'll always be there at the end of the phone.

Summer

I thought pre-school was hard, though the free hours were nice,

There were good times and bad times, the threat of head lice,

Issues with others, the phrase "not your friend",

The words "bored" or "scared" could drive round the bend.

Settling issues, awareness of self, soft toys and teddy bears left on the shelf,

Vocabulary doubled, drawings take shape, monsters and heroes, the kind that wear capes.

Feelings, emotions bubbled over and blew,

There were days it was hard and I worried for you.

Infant schools, catchment maps, made my chest tight, 

fretting and hoping decisions were right.

Second choice, waiting lists, tantrums galore,

The sight of your name written, made my heart soar.

Now summer ahead of us, it's sure to go fast,

Let's make it a good one, let's make it a blast.

Camping trips, play-dates, box-models and art,

I'll try to forget that we'll soon be apart.

Don't mourn what has passed, your mind holds the key,

Reading and writing, the climbing of trees,

A new phase beginning, rejoice the new start.

And keep your sweet baby safe locked in your heart.